


Fear is a Prison

by Obsidian3



Category: Frozen (2013)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-02
Updated: 2015-11-02
Packaged: 2018-04-29 14:26:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5130953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Obsidian3/pseuds/Obsidian3
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>To say Elsa was having a bad day would imply she ever had good ones.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fear is a Prison

Disclaimer: _Frozen_ and all recognizable characters are owned by Disney. (Though I'm pretty sure you all knew that, already. ^_^ )

Summary: To say Elsa was having a bad day would imply she ever had good ones.

Fear breeds fear. - Byron Janis

* * *

_Fear will be your enemy._

Not a day went by that she didn't think about those words, spoken to her so many years ago by the troll chief after he'd saved her sister's life. That she didn't understand the truth in them. More and more, as time went on, and her control over her powers fractured to an ever greater degree.

_Fear will be your enemy._

She'd tried. She really had tried. Tried to learn to regain that control. Tried to bury her feelings down so deeply that they wouldn't cause her magic - her _curse_ \- to flare up and hurt those around her ever again. She couldn't even think of her sweet, loving, _perfect_ little sister without seeing that ice bolt flying forth from her hand and striking Anna in the head.

_Elsa, what have you done?_

"I didn't mean to," she whispered, watching the ice slowly spreading out from where she sat, leaning against the wall. It doesn't matter, her mind whispered back. You're dangerous. Too dangerous to be allowed around _normal_ people. Too dangerous to ever be near Anna again. She deserves better than that, better than _you_. A real sister, not a monster hidden within a shell of flesh and bone.

A monster.

_Fear will be your enemy._

She couldn't quite remember just when she'd realized it, when she'd stopped fighting against the obvious realization. She idly tracked the progress of a snowflake lazily drifting down from nowhere. It didn't really matter when; it was the truth, as cold and hard as the ice she unwillingly surrounded herself with. Ice brought death with it, winter storms capable of snuffing out everything warm and alive that they encountered.

She could feel it within her. Ice slowly crawling through her veins, scraping away at her until there was nothing left. Tearing at her heart. She couldn't feel the cold, anymore. Had she ever? It hadn't ever bothered her, she knew that, but hadn't there been a time when she'd been able to feel it?

Perhaps. Back when she'd had warmth to compare it to.

Anna's warmth.

_Fear will be your enemy._

She couldn't even _look_ at her sister without remembering why she no longer deserved that warmth, that love. The white streak in her hair that Elsa had given her, had _marked_ her with, evidence of her transgression. She'd marred her baby sister's perfection, ruined the lives of so many others... The palace staff had been significantly reduced, after all, and where had all those let go _had_ to go? No explanation had been given for their dismissal, after all, as far as Elsa knew. The gates closed, shutting the people of Arendelle off from their rulers. Her all-too-active imagination had served up a number of images over the years of the citizens, fed up with their complaints and suffering being ignored, rising up en masse to overthrow the king. Blood running through the halls, as the only way for them to sieze power would be with the deaths of the royal family, and any who stood in their way. Even the thought that they might discover her powers wasn't as terrifying as the image of sweet little Anna, cornered by an angry mob, crying as she begged them to stop, pleaded for her sister's life...

Because something inside her knew that she would, that she'd put Elsa's life before her own.

She couldn't let that happen. Anna shouldn't _ever_ have to make a decision like that.

She looked at the sharply pointed icicles sprouting from the ceiling.

Maybe she wouldn't have to. Elsa could make sure of it.

_Fear will be your enemy._

It wasn't new, that impulse to just end it all, stop her ever-worsening downward spiral once and for all. As her powers grew, so, too, had it. Her parents love and attention, even when she'd been too scared to so much as touch them for fear of hurting them, had helped hold it at bay, somewhat. With them gone, too, now... With the knowledge that the throne would now be hers...

What was there left?

_knock knock na-knock knock_

Oh, God, no... Not now. She couldn't handle this right now.

It had almost - _almost_ \- been a relief when Anna's frequent knocks at her door (inevitably followed by pleas for her to come out and play, or talk, or do _something_ to acknowledge her sister's presence) had slowed over the years, dragging to an eventual stop. It had killed her inside to lose even that small bit of contact with Anna, but knowing that Anna was staying away, where she'd be safe...

Until their parents had died.

Perhaps Anna had needed something familiar as much as she did, had actually drawn some comfort from the unchanging locked door.

_Elsa? Please, I know you're in there. People are asking where you've been. They say "have courage", and I'm_ _**trying** _ _to. I'm right out here for you, just let me in._

Perhaps she'd shoved her own pain away as best she could, focusing instead on her sister. That would be just like her, really.

_We only have each other. It's just you and me. What are we gonna **do**?_

Or maybe...

Maybe it had been a genuine plea for help, Anna reaching out to the only family she had left.

Whatever the case, she'd been disappointed once again, Elsa unable to manage a single word in reply.

Yet, she'd come back the next day. And the next. Her visits didn't have a set timetable, anymore, now being squeezed in whenever she had the chance, unlike before, when they'd been so regular one could set their clock by them (right after her first lessons of the day with her tutors had let out, Elsa knew), making them all but impossible to avoid, had she felt the inclination to do so.

Not that Anna would have been thinking that. She was just so busy, taking up so much of the slack that Elsa's curse and nebulous emotional control caused in her carrying out her own duties, that she didn't _have_ a schedule, anymore. Even that tiny bit of normality was lost to her.

And still, Elsa could barely muster even a word of comfort for her.

_Fear will be your enemy._

"Elsa, are you in there?" A mirthless laugh. "Of course you're in there; where else would you be?"

She could feel the ice in her fingertips, begging to be let free. Just give in, it told her. Let go. You know you will eventually. You won't have a choice. Why fight it?

The answer was right outside her door.

"So, I have a meeting with the Foreign Trade Minister today," Anna continued, ignoring the lack of answer to her question, as she always did.

Something else that she should have been doing. She wasn't needed, and this just proved it. Arendelle really would be better off without her.

_Anna_ would be better off. She'd make an amazing queen, Elsa knew. Warm, loving, always willing to listen...

She formed a wickedly sharp knife made of ice in her hands. (She could make things easily enough, anyway. For a time, she'd fooled herself into thinking that meant she was making progress in achieving control. But that wasn't what she needed; it was being able to _stop_ , to make the ice and snow that she conjured up _go away_ that she was after, and that remained constantly out of her grasp. She really was nothing but a failure, a disappointment on a scale that her parents clearly hadn't even been able to _conceive_ of. Why couldn't everyone else see it?)

"Pretty sure he's going to want to go over the latest trade proposal from Weasel Town."

Absently, it occurred to her that she should correct that. _Weselton_. The word formed easily enough in her mind, but stalled out on her tongue, refusing to come anywhere near her lips. She merely sat there, listlessly listening to Anna speak. She would miss that voice, she knew. She just wished she had more to offer than silence. Would Anna even know she was gone? Would she care?

_Should_ she care?

No. Of course she shouldn't. Which meant that she probably would, anyway, because even after so long, after being shut out and abandoned for so long, Anna still had so much love in her heart that some would inevitably be sent in her direction, no matter how much she didn't deserve it.

She could only hope that Anna would get over her loss sooner, rather than later. What would she really be losing, though, aside from a silent door, and the false hope that one day, things would go back to "normal". Whatever _that_ was.

"What do you think? Should we send back that counter-proposal we discussed last time?"

Anna had discussed it. Elsa had, at best, given a few one-word answers to questions that had focused solely on Arendelle's future. Distant, cold, professional... It was all she had left.

"Or should we just reject it completely, again?"

The Duke wasn't a _bad_ man, she knew. (Certainly not a monster like she was, too inhuman to even _touch_ another person.) He just tended to focus on the well-being (especially the _financial_ well-being) of Weselton, to the exclusion of pretty much all else. Factors like whether or not something would be especially good for the other party didn't always occur to him, and even then, might not be given much consideration. Arendelle's constant rejections of his proposals seemed to be forcing him to change that tendency a little, at least.

So maybe there was one thing she'd actually done right. Even then, it didn't help her own people, so much as refrain from hurting them.

That was all she could ever hope to do, wasn't it? Try not to hurt anyone. Ice and snow would never - _could_ never - be a help.

"Elsa?" Another, harder knock. "Please."

Even with that, it took her a moment to work up the energy to even _want_ to speak, never mind actually _doing_ so. She took a deep breath and forced the words from herself anyway. Stop being selfish, she chided herself harshly. You're already forcing Anna to do something _you_ should be taking care of, the least you can do is help her do it _right_ when she asks you to. "I think," she said at length, voice horse from lack of use, "that the Duke will be entirely willing to accept our proposal, and we will be needing some of those goods, especially come winter." Because, as her mind hammered home relentlessly, that was what winter did: make life hard for everyone.

She could hear Anna draw in a shaky breath. "Okay," she said quietly, sounding far too relieved for having gotten such an emotionless answer. Like she was so desperate, she'd take anything Elsa offered.

She didn't want to think about how badly it could go if Anna turned that desperation for love and affection elsewhere. But she'd have to, wouldn't she? If Elsa was gone?

The ice knife, resting against the inside of her wrist, began to tremble, and she had to pull it away. Find a way to make sure she'll be taken care of first, she told herself. You can release the world from the threat you pose once you do that.

"Okay," Anna said again. "Got any advice?"

Get as far away from me as you can? Find a normal person who deserves your love? Your light? "You'll be fine," she said instead. Coward, her mind whispered. "Just be confident. You can't display weakness in negotiations like that." Why do you think I can't handle them? "Fear will be your enemy," she added as an afterthought, then winced. She hadn't meant to say that aloud.

"Huh," Anna said, sounding thoughtful. "Then what will be my ally?"

Elsa opened her mouth... then froze in place, as her mind tried to wrap itself around a question she'd somehow never even considered.

_Fear will be your enemy._

_Then what will be my ally?_

"I..." She had no idea. She'd been swallowed up by her fear so long ago, she'd almost forgotten there _were_ other emotions, let alone what they felt like. The opposite of fear...

The knife crumbled to tiny ice shards in her grip, which fell to the carpet in a glittering cloud.

_Elsa, what have you done? This is getting out of hand!_

She'd been afraid for so long...

_It was an accident._

Lack of malicious intent didn't change that she was dangerous.

_I'm sorry, Anna._

Yet she hadn't even been able to tell her sister that when she was awake. She'd been too afraid, couldn't convince herself that she even _deserved_ forgiveness. She still didn't believe that, but... Was this _really_ the best thing for Anna? Being shut in the palace, being shut out by the only family she had left? If she resented it, she never let on, only asking what she could do to help Elsa.

_Listen to me, Elsa, your power will only grow. There is beauty in it._ _But also great danger. You must learn to control it. Fear will be your enemy._

_Then what will be my ally?_

Why... Why had no one ever asked that question? Ever since that night, she'd worked to regain the control she'd once had so effortlessly. Her parents had tried to help as best they could, but nothing had really helped, her powers constantly growing stronger, just as she'd been warned they would. The more afraid she got, the worse her control would be. Her father had told her so, even, had tried to help her remain calm.

Yet... They'd never once stopped to think that if fear made things worse, another, more positive emotion might actually _help_ her.

She started trembling, nerves misfiring as she felt herself on the cusp of finally filling in one of the missing puzzle pieces to her magic.

Such a simple question. Maybe too simple. Her parents, herself... They'd all been focused on the symptoms, looking at it from an adult perspective as her curse forced her to grow up far too quickly.

"Elsa?"

Perhaps... Perhaps they'd needed a more... childish perspective? A more innocent one?

"Are you okay?"

She wanted to laugh, to cry, to scream... Her emotions, so long suppressed, burst free, trying to tug her in a thousand different directions at once. Ice spread along the walls and floor, snow began falling heavily from the ceiling, but she didn't care, because she barely noticed it.

Maybe what she'd needed all along...

Her door handle rattled. Even now, after _everything_ , Anna's first thought was to try and get to her sister.

She couldn't allow that. For once, though, it wasn't due to fear, or at least not entirely. She knew she wouldn't be able to handle the conversation that would result if Anna saw her room in its current state. She climbed to her feet, nerves still making her feel sick, but forced her voice as level as she could get it. "I'm fine."

Anna's efforts to open the locked door ceased, but that was all. "You don't sound it."

Not level enough, it seemed. "I know," she admitted. "But I am doing... better." Which wasn't saying much, as it would be hard to have been in a _worse_ state than she had been, but...

Anna sighed loudly enough to be heard through the door. Evidently, she believed that. "I wish you'd let me help."

"You are," Elsa told her honestly. She'd asked the question, finally given her sister a place to start. It wasn't a magical cure-all - it had taken her a long time to sink as low as she had, and it would take more time to get back out, if she could at all - but it was a start. It had been so long since she'd even had the hope that she _could_ gain control, could be with her sister again...

She wasn't entirely sure how to handle it.

"You have no idea how much," she continued. If nothing else, she would make Anna understand that. "If it weren't for you, I..." There were too many ways to finish that sentence, and none of them good.

Anna seemed to understand _that_ part, at least. "Likewise," she said simply, which made no sense at all, because all she'd gotten for years from Elsa was silence and a locked door.

What could I have done for you?

"What could you...?" She winced, realizing she must have wondered that aloud. "You're my sister. All my life, you've been there for me. Even if you weren't _there_ there, you know?"

Strangely enough, she did. There had been so many times over the years when she'd had a quiet word with Anna's tutors when they were having trouble getting through to the girl (they simply hadn't known _how_ to get her to focus; when she did, she could learn things almost faster than they could teach them), made a small suggestion to their parents when they were telling her about the sister she'd been too afraid to talk to herself (really, it had been obvious that as active a girl as Anna would take swiftly to horse riding), left an encouraging note or two when she knew Anna most needed it. She hadn't known Anna had been aware of _all_ of that, but could tell she was now.

"I just... want to make you proud of me."

She felt tears streaking down her face, and didn't care. _Concealing_ didn't even occur to her. "You do," she said, voice barely above a whisper. "Every day."

Anna sniffled, and Elsa had to work to resist an all-too-familiar impulse to throw open the door and yank her little sister into a hug. Even after so many years, it was still an effort. "I just... I miss you." She couldn't quite keep the tears out of her voice. "So much..."

"I know..." That knowledge cut at her like little else could. Just by refusing to open the door, she was causing her sister pain. It was for her own good, but still... "I miss you, too."

"I love you, Elsa. Promise me you won't ever forget that." Anna was crying, now. Some long dormant big sister instinct could just _sense_ it.

"I won't... I promise." And she'd never broken a promise to Anna in her life.

That was why she'd always refused to make any, over the years. But no matter how much of a monster she might have thought herself, even she could never have resisted _that_ one.

"O-Okay..." Anna gave a helpless laugh. "I suppose I should... go get cleaned up, before my meeting..."

"Don't worry, they won't start without you." That's it? That's all you have to offer her?

Another shaky laugh. "I suppose. I'll, um, let you know how it went later... if that's okay." She began slowly shuffling away, energy clearly spent by her whirling emotions.

Elsa knew how she felt. Still, no matter how many times she'd heard Anna walking away from her door - sometimes mad, more often defeated, but usually just sad and hurt - this was just one time too many.

Anna's footsteps froze as the lock clicked open in the otherwise silent hall.

Silence. The palace had been far too silent, for far, _**far**_ too long. Anna couldn't inject life or laughter into the atmosphere the way she used to by herself, after all. Elsa had tried to convince herself that it was for the best, that maybe the quiet would even help her concentrate on controlling her powers.

Listening to the click and creak as she opened her door slowly, just enough to slip out into the hall, she told herself she was a fool. Quiet like that was not normal, wasn't _natural_. Not for Anna.

And the sound of her door shutting didn't seem quite as painful when she and Anna were on the same side of it.

Anna, eyes red and swollen, was staring at her in a mixture of hope and fear. How long, Elsa wondered, had she hoped for something like this, dreamed of it?

Too long.

Even now, she looked like she wanted to believe it was happening, but was afraid to. Elsa could understand that; she couldn't believe what she was doing, either. But as long as Anna didn't see what was _inside_ her room - inside _her_ \- it would be okay... right?

The fear was still there, still screaming at her to hurry back inside her room, to shout at Anna to get away from her. But she couldn't. She just _couldn't_ do that to Anna, not again. Not when she could actually _see_ how much it was hurting her to be left alone.

People like Anna weren't meant to be alone.

"Anna, wait..." She swallowed hard, throat suddenly dry. She told herself that there was no reason for it, that this was her sister, but couldn't help it. "I..."

Anna took a step closer, then froze, suddenly looking scared. Afraid that she would spook her sister into running away from her again, Elsa realized, the thought making her heart hurt. Because that was what had always happened in the past. Anna would stand there for all eternity, if it meant she wasn't shut out again.

Just give her a hug. You know that's all she wants.

Well, no, it wasn't. Not in the grand scheme of things. In the immediate, though...

It was hard. So very hard. Just lifting one foot, moving it closer, setting it down, lifting the other... Just _walking toward her loving sister_ should not have been such an effort. She refused to give up, though. Anna had done so much for her - _more than she could even realize_ \- that she would, for once, do one thing for her.

Anna's expression was rapidly vacillating between hopeful, scared, wary, nervous, excited, anxious... Then she looked like a blur as she launched herself forward, almost knocking Elsa off her feet.

Evidently, she'd decided not to even chance that Elsa might pull up short at the last second.

For a long moment, Elsa froze. It had been _**so long**_ since anyone had touched her... She felt a moment of heart-stopping fear, that her ice might instinctively lash out in response to the sudden move, combined with the ever-present fear that anyone hugging her, anyone _touching_ her - _especially_ Anna - was in danger...

But Anna was leaning against her, sobbing as she held onto her sister for dear life. Elsa couldn't have pushed her away if she'd tried.

So she gave her sister the hug she'd been longing to for well over a decade, and felt something within her finally start to unclench. She wasn't better. She wasn't even close.

But for the first time in forever, she had hope. She wasn't alone. And more than that...

_Fear will be your enemy._

_Then what will be my ally?_

...she had the beginning of an answer.


End file.
